brendoman's thoughts and whims

Is anyone out there?  I'm at work.  Listening to some JE, which is very enjoyable.  I want to have a successful electronic band so bad.  Phil and I actually were recently contacted by another record label.  Unfortunately we lost our demo we were working on when Phil's hard drive crashed.  Back up your stuff folks! 

My friend Mattt made this. He's a cool guy who makes videos for Kevin Smith and other folks.

You Are 48% Politically Radical

You've got some radical viewpoints, but you aren't completely nuts. You're more of a visionary than a radical.

Over 100,000 people share my first name but no one else has my exact name. Neat-o.

Just something that speaks to me right now:

Father, can you hear me?
How have I let you down?
I curse the day that I was born,
And all the sorrow in the world...

Let me take you to the herding ground,
Where all good men are trampled down,
Just to settle a bet that could not be won,
Between a prideful father and his son.

Well you guard me now for I cant see,
A reason for this suffering and this long misery.
What if every living soul could be upright and strong?
Well, then I do imagine there will be
Sorrow.
Yeah there will be
Sorrow .
And there will be
Sorrow, no more.

When all soldiers lay their weapons down,
Or when all kings and all queens relinquish their crown,
Or when the only true messiah rescues us from ourselves...
Its easy to imagine there will be
Sorrow.
Yeah there will be
Sorrow .
And there will be
Sorrow, no more.

There will be
Sorrow.
Yeah there will be
Sorrow .
And there will be
Sorrow, no more.

I think the bulk of my posts in here from now on will be private things, things I can't post on brendoman.com for fear of future employers or someone finding them and deciding things like I am not a stable person. Yeah, that happened. Sigh. That doesn't even make sense. But anyway, if you want to read the good stuff, you've got to be a friend. That's just the way it is.




Even the Big Guy wants to know....

Wow, the time is going by. But things are better with my life. I haven't really worked out my issues with stuff but I did get promoted at work and have a nice place to live now with two of my good friends. I work and hang out with my friends and that's pretty much what I do. Oh yeah, SHE called me the other day. I'm 99% sure she was drunk. Yeah. Seriously. But I think it helped in a way. After the initial freak out, I realized that I have moved on and we're moving in two very different directions. The past is the past. The future is now. I hope people can love me for who I am and not who they want me to be or expect me to be. I'm tired of worrying if I'm letting people down or if I'm not good enough or if I'm whatever. You think I would have learned that by now but it's pretty damn hard. Anyway, hope all you guys out there in LJ land are doing all right.

Holy crap LJ has changed sine I was last here. Umm.. what is going on with me?

I am having a slightly major crisis of faith. Christians bug the shit out of me because the majority of the ones I encounter are bigoted homophobes. I don't want to be labeled as such. Not to mention my whole outlook on life has been shot to hell. But I still might end up being a youth minister of some sort, so go figure. WTF is wrong with me? I have no idea. You tell me.

Holy cow, Lauren's birthday is next month. So is my brother's. It appears my good buddy Tim who I haven't talked to in ages has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks. Happy early b-day. I'm going on vacation on Monday and I am sooo darn excited.

Hugs.

Why do I leave shit like this on my comp so I can find it late at night and be depressed?

Heather: i am not going to leave you
Heather: i don't have to guts to go to Ozark and leave you
BrendoMan: okay good
BrendoMan: cause i need you
BrendoMan: more than them
Heather: well good
BrendoMan: i'm serious
BrendoMan: i don't know where i would be right now if i hadn't met you
BrendoMan: you have been the biggest surprise this year
Heather: why do you say that
BrendoMan: cause, i never would have thought last year that we would be such good friends. and now here you are. right when i need you
Heather: ohhh that is so sweet
BrendoMan: i try
Heather: i really love you
BrendoMan: wow
Heather: i really do

Sorry LJ for neglecting you. anyone still out there? Life is crazy.

Wow, it's been a while. LJ peeps, how are you. Lauren is in college, that is soooo crazy. I'm just a guy scraping a living so he doesn't have to work at jobs he hates. So far I'm still managing to get by. We had a killer halloween party last night. I have to work in three hours and I think I'm going to be all right. I honestly can't see myself anywhere else right now. This is where I want to be. I had a great reassuring talk with Jeri about life things last night. She is always really good at making me feel better about decisions I make. Where the heck did all the time go? I think a lot of us in this age bracket find ourselves asking that quite frequently. It's funny. I mean, holy crap, it's been like 7 or 8 months since I got off the plane in San Francisco and resumed my life as a U.S. Citizen. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. The holidays are coming. I won't get to see my family. I'll just be hanging out with friends and working my ass off at D-Land which is fine by me. If there is ever a place to observe the state of the human condition, Disneyland is it. More on that another time. Talk to you fools later.

I've been thinking about this song all day.  It is quite beautiful. 

Eli, the barrow boy, you're the old town 
Sells coal and marigolds and he cries out all down the day 
Below the tamarac she is crying 
Corn cobs and candlewax for the buying, all down the day 

Would I could afford to buy my love a fine robe 
Made of gold and silk arabian thread 
She is dead and gone and lying in a pine grove 
And I must push my barrow all the day 
And I must push my barrow all the day 

Eli, the barrowboy, when they found him 
Dressed all in corduroy, he had drowned in the river down the
way 
They laid his body down in a churchyard 
But still when the moon is out, with his pushcart, he calls down
the day 

Would I could afford to buy my love a fine gown 
Made of gold and silk arabian thread 
But I am dead and gone and lying in a church ground 
But still I push my barrow all the day 
Still I push my barrow all the day

I'm this close to selling out.  But I'm not going to do it.  I will die before I do.  My mom told me I need to find a job that provides benefits.  If that means giving up the ghost and joining the consumer train than I'd rather not, until it happens under my own terms.  I honestly don't care what happens to me as long as I'm doing something I love and I know is right for me.  And right now that is here.  Doing what I do.  Right now it's a lot of things.  It's working at Disneyland.  It's helping with Jr. High at church.  It's being a good friend to folks I've loved and missed for so long.  It's catching up with old friends and making new ones.  It's trying to get our record label off the ground.  It's trying to create something new.  It's me.  This is who I am.  I will not yield for the big money and fabulous prizes.  If those come along with something I want to do, then okay.  But I'm not going to sell myself short doing something I hate and something I can't be productive at and thrive.  If I starve, I starve.  For now, I'm okay.  Like I said before, I'm just a guy, a geek, a dreamer.  I wonder at what point some of those before me gave up on their dreams and just gave in and did what was expected of them to do.  I would like for someone out there to keep me honest because the worst is yet to come, I'm sure.

Have you ever been hurt by someone so bad that when you try and talk all that comes out is a string of expletives?  Yeah, that's how I feel right now.  I don't want to be a drama queen, but damnit, I'm pissed off right now.  I wouldn't feel this bad if I had done something wrong to warrant what has happened to me, but I did nothing and I feel completely alienated and hurt.  And it's only going to get worse before it gets better.  And I'm trying to take the high ground and just roll with it, but it's so freaking hard.  Gah.  Seriously.  Gah.

So tonight I was dbiving home and that song with the long title from 1996 by Primitive Radio Gods came on.  The one with B.B. King and the "doo doo um doo um doo" chorus.  I love that song.  Anyway, it made me think of the summer of '96 and my friend Sheri's brand new Mustang convertible she got for her 16th birthday.  Sheri was kind enough to drive me around that summer and that song came on a lot.  Driving along the coast or around Solana Beach with the top down, stereo blasting, just taking it all in.  The realization that my childhood was over and this was my first taste of freedom.  Man.  That was an amazing summer.  Let's forget about that Macarena thing though. 

So it looks like Vizaweb suspended us again.  Who the heck knows why because they sure didn't bother to tell us.  So yeah, we just can't catch a break with hosting.  We're looking into some more extreme options.  Yep.

I start my new temp job tomorrow.  It's the first time I've had a full time job in this country since 2001.  Should be interesting.  Maybe it will give me more interesting stories to tell.  I got a pretty nice car.  I'm excited for this because it's the next chapter.  I'm ready for that.  I mean, it's actually happening now.  Jeri talked about seeing Batman Begins on Wednesday.  That made me happy.  I can hang out with my friends again in the middle of the week and for the first time in forever it will be after I haven't sat on my ass all day doing nothing.  Well, I guess I'm getting paid now to sit on my ass all day and type stuff into a computer, which is sort of what I do right now.  Yeah, you have to love the way our world works.  My birthday's coming up too and I'm happy for that.  I am excited for the large gathering that will occur and seeing all my friends in one place will be good.  Fun times ahead for sure.  Stay tuned....

Sometimes I feel like the worlds biggest doofus for not being able to find a job.  Nothing from the temp place yet, Target said I'm overqualified, churches say I'm under qualified, blah de freaking blah.  I'm in a no man's land and I must get out of it to keep my sanity.  I applied for a bunch of stuff at Biola, hopefully my connections there will work in my favor.  That would be flippin' sweet.  I'm listening to Nightwish right now cause my secret BUBBS crush recommended them.  Yeah, I'm so lame I have a secret BUBBS crush.